I’ve always longed to be a person who could effortlessly hold up his end of any conversation, the sort of man who impresses others with his wit and wisdom. But I’ve never been that clever, which is probably why I cling to writing so much.

The thing that brought this to mind is I recently met someone who sparked my creativity. My first real communication with her was a haiku I’d written about her. I gave her a copy of the haiku. Though I found her quite attractive, I wasn’t trying to hit on her. I just wanted to pay a small compliment.

I eventually did ask her out. Much to my surprise, she accepted, and the ensuing date was one of the most enjoyable evenings I’ve had. But I wasn’t nearly as sharp in person as I wanted to be. This is just the sort of situation where, even at my best, I feel like I’m treading water. I can’t seem to dial up words in normal conversation like I can when writing — where I can edit every syllable before anyone ever sees it.

Maybe I got away with a sub-par performance. Maybe I didn’t do as badly as I thought, but this is the kind of scenario that comes to mind when I think about how much more comfortable I am writing than speaking.

When I get caught behind in a real-time discussion, it’s obvious. But when I write, no one can tell how long it took to form each sentence, or how many times I switched out half the words. So it may seem the words flowed from my mind the way some phrases roll off a cleverer person’s tongue. And that often leaves me with the slightest sense of guilt — that I might just be fooling people who’ve only been exposed to me through writing.

And then, of course, there are those who don’t even think that much of my writing, to whom this whole thought process must seem a waste of time. Which it may be anyway.

I’m good on paper,
ruler of infinite space,
but no one lives there

Comments

• December 20, 2009, susan writes: I have the same problem when I date.... I think it's pretty common, and I think if the person understands, they don't mind. ......
  
  Also loved the Tastycakes......
• December 20, 2009, Frank writes: Oh, I think it's a matter of really getting to know someone. Being smart and thoughtful is a precursor to good things...and your conversations are like a flower unfolding. I bet that date went great. And how charming is it to get a haiku? That's worth a thousand points right there.
• December 20, 2009, howard writes: thanks for the thoughts...
  
  Susan - some of it is probably the same anxiety everyone gets in that kind of situation, but i also come across it sometimes when i'm in more familiar surroundings.
  
  Frank - i like to think it gets better when you get to know someone, but i find even in familiar situations i'm guarding against saying the wrong things. it's almost like i'm constantly in edit mode -- except i don't have that same luxury of editing undetected when i'm talking. i'd like to plead to being smart and thoughtful, but sometimes it triggers the impulse to overthink -- which may be where all of this starts.
  
  that said, i'm pretty sure the date went well, and she seemed to like the haiku. as for a thousand points, i can only hope it's worth that kind of credit ;)
• December 20, 2009, PJ writes: I'm sure it doesn't overcome every possible flaw, but rest assured giving a girl a nice poem will usually get you quite a bit of credit :)
• December 21, 2009, Cerebrations writes: You seem quite intelligent to me and most of my friends are brilliant.
• December 21, 2009, Cerebrations writes: ... which I include you as one of those friends...
• December 21, 2009, howard writes: thanks -- i hope your valuation is typical ;)
• December 21, 2009, howard writes: brilliant might be a bit of an overstatement. intelligent might work, but i wish it didn't seem to desert me when there's someone i want to impress.
• December 21, 2009, mikaelah writes: great post as usual.
• December 21, 2009, howard writes: thank you Mikaelah. you don't want to know how many times i rewrote it ;)
• December 23, 2009, Steven Nicoloso writes: Though I found her quite attractive, I wasn’t trying to hit on her.
  
  It's not clear what's more remarkable about that statement: That you believe it, or that you expect others to... ;-)
• December 23, 2009, howard writes: it's more a matter of what i consciously believed at the time. but leave it to you to pick up on the inconsistency of that sentence -- i'm starting to think this might become conversational fodder for Christmas dinner now.
• December 24, 2009, Qazse writes: "but i wish it didn't seem to desert me when there's someone i want to impress."
  
  I think "wanting to impress" leads us into self critic mode and we tighten up and start thinking negative, like "what if this and what if that". Relax, be yourself. That's all we can do.
• December 24, 2009, Qazse writes: PS I liked the haiku too! Especially, ruler of infinite space.
• December 25, 2009, howard writes: thanks, Qazse -- i liked the relative irony of it. i can't recall, but i may have been thinking of a William F. Nolan line when the line popped into my head.
  
  as for the self criticism comment, i think you're absolutely right. as with so many issues presented in this post, the solution is built into the explanation of the problem, but it can be so hard to reverse tendencies that have been cemented into our response.
• December 26, 2009, qazse writes: I know. It is what makes us grow, or die trying.
• January 5, 2010, Al Denton writes: I guess I see the problem, but I don't know if I would mind being able to think and speak more analytically, rather than impulsively (which is how I usually am). I get that it can get in the way, but I can't help thinking it's a good problem on balance. I should probably live a little more of my life in edit mode.
  
  Or maybe I think that way because it's not how I am? I guess that's a possibility too. ;-)
  
  (I feel like I'm doing a mass catch-up on the comments after being away for the holidays, but there's so much here I want to toss my two cents in on)

slender Amanda
flashes an angel-soft smile
you’ll wish you inspired

Comments

• October 16, 2009, Al Denton writes: Nice :)