funhouse mirrors
“Come back,
show your face;
can’t you see?
You’re too good
for this place;
can we leave?”
-The Frames (”Suffer in Silence“)
I posted this lyric because every time the song comes up on my mp3 player, I tend to think of any number of girls or women I’ve known who seem to obsess over some idea of beauty or worth as though it were the diametric opposite of what they are.
Such obsessions have always puzzled me, especially since I tend to be amazed by women in general. Often when I point out what I think are signs of beauty, I get some form of reprimand from whomever I’m trying to compliment. It makes me feel like either my concept of beauty is skewed, or they see every reflection of themselves as though it were in a funhouse mirror. Maybe it’s because so many people in general are overly self-critical, but in my epxerience it seems to be more prevalent among females. Which bothers me immensely.
It doesn’t bother me just because my attempts to compliment females end up being rebuffed, but also because I have four young nieces. The idea of any one of them struggling against poisonous self-perceptions or societally-imposed expectations makes me feel a strange combination of sadness and infuriation.
It strikes me that reducing people’s worth to mere surface appearance does severe disservice even to those with the most sparkling veneers. When I get to know a person, the visage I see is influenced by other attributes I come to recognize in them. It’s not unlike the way a person’s sense of taste is affected by their sense of smell - only with a person, there’s much more that goes into the equation.
We shouldn’t become so concerned with one facet of our identities that we discount the other factors making us who we are. And we shouldn’t make the mistake of judging others that way, either. Now, if only a simple blog post could make it so…
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If only.
As a female who didn't particularly care much what people thought when I was growing up, I admit it puzzles me a little too. Now I have a preteen daughter and I wish I had a better insight. -
You're my dream girl, but you're no help at all ;)
But seriously, most of my reason for posting this is that I wish I had a better insight too - or at least some insight. -
I am the ultimate hypocrite as I do not for all the world want other women to do this (especially my most wonderful niece), but I have definitely internalized such concepts. Not to excuse it, but I had plenty of reinforcement from the exes - I only ever had one ex who thought I was pretty (the most recent one was a master of the backhanded physical put down - versions of "you look so much less fat and ugly than you usually do today"). I think with me, what I got slammed for was the twofer - the looks deficit plus the lack of feminine ambitions (likes: math, dislikes: dusting...) in general. It's a lot of why I left the dating game.
But as someone with a niece and as someone who taught young women for a long time, I flinch when I hear it in others and try (if appropriate) to amend it. With my niece, it is especially hard as she was a gorgeous little girl, but my sister wanted to discourage everyone from continuously defining her by looks and wanted us to compliment her for other facets of her personality, and at times I wonder if she would realize how beautiful she is if I found a way to tell her it more.
Where I am also a hypocrite is that I never understood the trait in men (incl. the exes) of looks-stamping someone as "famous crushes" include not just stereotypical lookers but "lesser" men like John Goodman, Richard Belzer and my all time biggest honey, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I think that's why I railed so hard while in these relationships instead of bailing - I was unable to see why I was judged this way instead of realizing it wasn't a fight worth fighting.
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